Today, I just found out one of my friends from a Christian youth I used to join, has passed away.
Honestly I don't know how to cope with this. It is just too much for me to handle. It is very unexpected. She was so young, so passionate about life.
I duno what to say. She's been taken for granted by almost everyone in her life, except for her boyfriend. The 'everyone' includes me. I was a passerby. I was just a random friend.
But I was also a faithful stalker. And when we were at our most critical time of life, we'd reach out to each other..ok at least I would. It is as if only she would understand my most complicated and conflicted feeling.
It's not fair. Not fair at all. She is NOT perfect. But she WANTED to be perfect, to be Christ-like, to be loved, to do great things, to contribute. She was making effort all these times. She fell, and then picked herself up, and fell, and picked herself up. She never gave up trying for life.
She had a tough childhood. I'm sure she was loved at some point but honestly I just wish every parents know how great their influence is, in their child's life.
She had just found her true love, a great man who brought her back from the dark side. From then she never stopped fighting. She was always strong, in her own way. She fought so hard with life, and she is about to prove herself to the world! She was so excited about life, studies, how she could've contribute, how she can really make her parents proud. She was about to win the battle.
But sadly, she had to leave the battle. LEAVE. Her health was deteriorated so bad and she couldn't make most people like me to understand what kinda pain/sickness she was going through. I took her for granted. I totally did.
I'm sorry for this emo post. Because I feel so angry. This is so unfair. She fought so hard, in the end she got a blog post from me. Not even a phone call. Not even a meet-up. Not even my attention, until she was admitted to the hospital.
I am still shocked. When she was hospitalized, she posted up her diagnosis results, and I just hoped for the best. She didn't even get my prayer. Just hot tears, just blog post. I was thinking about her yes. But I didn't realized life is THAT fragile.
I'm not angry at God. He always loved her and molded her with the strongest fire ever that she became such an inspiration to me and many people before she left. He gave her what she was always yearning for. He loved her unconditionally, and was there for her when she had nobody. And now He didn't want her to go through the pain from life. She is finally taken to heaven as an angel. I'm just..angry with myself.
Be as skeptical as you want. I believe in God and I believe He IS love. I believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and God never wanted to give us up. I believe He is in control and yet He gave us freewill to live our life on Earth. I believe all these BY FAITH.
And now I wonder, how is it like to be in heaven? I'm envious that she's there already. =')
I miss you so much, Joanna. I miss looking at that tough confident plus size girl who was badass outside and doubtful inside. I miss watching your transition from zero confident girl into a highly confident woman. You made me believe everybody else was wrong about looking good outside. Inner beauty is the only way to keep a woman happy from the inside. You taught me that we didn't need to please anyone, but to prove that we're worth being treated equally.
If you are watching us from above, I bet you feel it is not your time yet. But where you are now is where we all wana end up in. You've had a real great life, and your happiness lies in heaven. That's the true happiness we're all finding for.
Can't believe I'm gonna be using this word already.
REST IN PEACE, my dear friend. You are AWESOME.
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